This is a short comedy sketch we are working on for the Mosaic Women's Brunch this Saturday:
All About Women
A young male professor enters with his remote and note cards. He tests the Microphone at the podium to make sure it’s on. He’s nervous.
Prof: I want to thank you all for coming. Today is an important day. My research team and I have made incredible strides in learning to decipher the female conversation. It’s widely known that women use, on average, twice as many words per day as their male counterparts. I myself have not spoken for 3 weeks so that I might present my findings in full. So, lets get started. We have a lot to cover. As a part of my research, I’ve videotaped a sample of women’s conversations. I hypothesized that the main subject would be me. I mean, men in general and me specifically as my girlfriend of the past 6 years was my sample. This was not the case.
He clicks his remote towards the stage where 2 girls are seated at a café table with menus, in mid conversation.
Ann: You look great by the way.
Ann: That’s a pretty color on you.
Liz: Tiffany blue. My favorite. I love your skirt.
Ann: Target. 10 bucks.
Liz: No way. I love target. I go there just to hang out.
Ann: Me too! They have everything.
He hits the remote again and the girls freeze.
Prof: This part gets boring quick. Basically they spend the first 9 minutes talking about the color blue and their full devotion to a place called target. They make it sound like Disneyland. The happiest place on earth. I assure you, it’s not.
He hits the remote again and the girls come to life.
Liz: I’ve found the most amazing product. It’s like a nail file only you rub it really hard like this… (She mimics the motion on her leg and both of them laugh).
Ann: Does it get rid of cellulite?
Liz: No. Hair. You’ll never have to buy razors again.
Ann: Is it painful?
Liz: Well, yes. It’s the worst pain I’ve ever felt. But, no more razors ever.
Ann: Where can I find one?
He hits the remote again and the girls pause.
Prof: It’s now 23.2 minutes into the conversation and they have not mentioned men once. They have also not ordered yet. But, they have analyzed their hair removal habits. I did learn something here. My girlfriend has her chin waxed. This new info leaves me feeling violated, lied to. The other thing I learned is that they can diagnose each others ailments. Keep in mind neither of these women holds an advanced degree. It’s fascinating. Take a look.
He it’s the remote again and the girls come to life.
Liz: See it right here?
She points to a spot on her neck and moves so that Ann can get a closer look.
Ann: That? It’s probably hormones. I wouldn’t worry about it. Are you drinking enough water?
Liz: You’re probably right. I’ve been so hormonal lately…
He hits the remote again, embarrassed. The girls freeze mid sentence.
Prof: I’ve been telling her not to worry about that spot on her neck for 3 weeks now. All her friend had to say was, drink more water and she’s over it. How is that possible? Honestly, I feel like Jane Goodall with the apes.
He hits the remote again. And the girls come to life.
Liz: How was your date last night?
Ann: It was alright. We had dinner and saw a movie. I don’t think he’s “the one”.
Ann: He has a shaved head.
Liz: Oh, I’m so sorry.
Ann: Are you still dating that professor?
Ann: How’s it going?
Liz: He shaved his beard.
Liz: I know. The only problem is, now, he looks like he’s 12. And the guys at the college have started calling him…
The Professor, increasingly embarrassed quickly, hits the remote again so as not to give away this embarrassing detail.
Prof: So they’ve moved to analyzing the hair removal rituals of their male counterparts. I can’t believe she thinks I look like a kid. Granted, the beard did age me a tiny bit but she told me that she loved my whole face. Ok. (refers to notes) So far we’ve seen that it generally goes from colors to fashion to target to hair removal to mens’ hair removal to this last part all before ordering lunch.
He hits the remote again and the girls come back to life.
Liz: What are you going to order?
Ann: I’m so hungry. Maybe the pasta.
Liz: That sounds good but I’m trying to avoid white flour.
Ann: Did you watch the biggest loser last night?
He hits the remote again and the girls pause.
Prof: For the record she does watch that show. Actually, she fast forwards to the end and then cries for half an hour. I just don’t get it.
The Professor presses the remote.
Liz: Here’s my question, why must guys always watch sports?
Ann: I don’t know, why?
Liz: No, I’m really asking. I mean even when we find something to watch together, he always has to hold the remote and at every commercial, he switches back to espn.
Ann: That is weird. Maybe he’s a little OCD.
Liz: Don’t I look capable of operating a remote?
Professor hits the remote again and the girls freeze. He is flustered and trying hard to compose himself.
Prof: I AM NOT! That’s what remotes are for, ease of use when changing channels. And there is nothing wrong with sports. It’s healthy competition. It’s survival of the fittest. It’s what separates us from the animals. And while we’re at it, why is a female’s refrigerator filled with low fat diet food? Tofu, yogurt, non-fat mayonnaise… What is the point of living longer if you are forced to live on soybean substitutes and diet coke? (remembering his notes) At this point in my research, I’m not even sure that men and women can co-exist peacefully for more than a few hours at a time. And, perhaps, the richest source of data…
He presses the remote.
Ann: So, why are you still with him?
Liz: Oh, I don’t know… He did the funniest thing the other day.
Ann: What’s that?
Liz: He moved my car for me after we unloaded the groceries. We were out of yogurt. Anyway, he came in with this really concerned look on his face and said… Muffin.
Ann: He calls you, Muffin?
Liz: Only when no one’s around. He said, “Muffin, how long has the check engine light been on in your car?”
Ann: Well, that’s romantic.
Liz: It gets better. He proceeded to explain that when the oil light comes on you must stop the car immediately …
The Professor composes himself enough to hit the remote, pausing them mid thought.
Prof: You would think this sort of thing would be common knowledge! If you take care of your car, it’ll take care of you. And do you know what she said to me? “That’s what you’re here for!” Like I’m her personal auto-mechanic. In conclusion, while our findings aren’t complete, I’m fairly confident that ultimately we will discover that female conversations are undecipherable. Period.
He’s made his point and while shuffling his papers, he bumps or drops the remote to the floor. The girls come to life.
Liz: But then, the next day, he gave my car a complete check-up and washed it. It was so sweet of him. He doesn’t know it yet, but Thursday night I’m going to make him Pepperoni Calzones, his favorite, and watch a Mythbusters marathon with him. It’s so cute. He loves explaining the science to me. He’s a really, really smart guy.
Prof stops the projector. He’s had an epiphany.
Prof: (Out loud but to himself) She totally gets me! (Then, realizing the audience is still there.) Perhaps, we will have to re-evaluate our data. I think there may be a few factors I have yet to consider.