Things Your Mother May Not Have Taught You

I’ve always been told that I am just like my Mother. I always understood this to be a compliment. I only hoped I would have more time before I turned into her. I moved to Los Angeles in pursuit of something I couldn’t really name. I know now, I was looking for my life. My real life. In all of the transition, all the newness, and change one thing has remained. I carry my Mother’s voice. She says the craziest things. I’ve compiled a list.

Things your Mother may not have taught you but mine did:

  1. Don’t leave things lying around. Invite people into a peaceful place, no one needs more chaos.

  2. What’s not to like about you? Don’t hide in baggy clothes. Wear clothes that fit.

  3. Choose your friends carefully. Men can be pigs but women can be far worse.

  4. Organic Apple Cider Vinegar gets rid of allergies and gives you beautiful skin but you must drink it. Everyday.

  5. When choosing perfume, remember that men are drawn to vanilla based scents. I don’t remember where I heard that. Probably on Oprah so it must be true.

  6. There is no rush and you can be anything you set your mind to but keep in mind that I would like grandchildren before I’m too old to enjoy them.

  7. Trust me, finding the perfect fitting bra will change your life.

  8. If anything goes wrong, this is your Father’s visa card number.

  9. You should always have an even number of children, it’s just easier. This way they can raise each other.

  10. You like your hair better long.

  11. Never sleep on your side, it gives you wrinkles.

  12. A brisk walk does wonders for your mood because sometimes you just need to sweat it out.

  13. Finding a fabulous pair of shoes is an investment in your future.

  14. Diet Coke is so bad for you that it should be labeled “Liquid Satan”.

  15. Marry the one you have the most fun with but don’t cook dinner every single night. It sets a precedent that you’ll live to regret later.

  16. Remember, you are a lady. Work hard and show all those boys what you are really made of.

  17. Always wear clean underwear. Heaven forbid you get hit by a car.

  18. Call me when you get there.